Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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