You smell like a Billy Joel song
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
