Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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