i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
