i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
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