don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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