I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
