Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
