ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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