im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
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I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You left your phone here
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