i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
