Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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