I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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