I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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