I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
