the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize