I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
