When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
