i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Couch. On fire.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
