Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
