Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
