i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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