Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
