I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
