I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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