Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
