I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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