is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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