He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize