I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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