My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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