i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We left the knife in your bed.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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