I accidentally burped into my bong.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
