i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
