Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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