I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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