i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
