Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
