Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
