take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
And then my night got REAL pukey
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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