You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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