the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
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I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
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who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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