I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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