The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
