I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
