the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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