When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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