i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
