I faked an abortion last night.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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