i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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