once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
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We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
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Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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