I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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