Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
