adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
