I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
