gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
