my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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