dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
